Monday, January 25, 2010

A Fat Day

i know its unorthodox to be so personal, but today i just couldn't seem to hide what i was feeling.

So, i've been trying, REALLY trying to lose weight since the beginning of January. I wouldn't be so worried about it if i could just wear a dress everyday (I'm pearshaped and a full skirted dress covers a multitude of sins) but winter, mean and cold-hearted winter, is making me wear pants. and my equally mean pants are not fitting. really not wanting to go up a size and buy new pants...made me decide to lose weight.

And i've been doing pretty well with my weight loss plan... until this weekend; when i went out to eat with friends, had popcorn at sherlock holmes (we had a free coupon, come on!) and gave myself a free day.

let's just say that when i stepped on the scale this morning, i did NOT want to do this:

i had kindof obliterated all my hard work.
i was crushed. i wanted to just crawl back into bed and cry for a long time.

i called my friend sc, who also happens to be my husband. after "you look beautiful" and "you're NOT fat" weren't working, he said, "This is not who you ARE, you know that. This is not what you take your worth from."

ok. argh. fine. journal for a long time. come to terms with it.

i've jumped into a world this past year that i had since not known, every day i see girls on blogs with perfect bodies, perfect clothes, . and i start to compare. my grandmother always said, "comparisons are odious." they're pointless. They don't help us.

as much as i love fashion and decorating and the idea of being thin, i can't make those ideas control how i feel about WHO I AM.

so today, i'm getting back in the saddle. i will eat healthier and exercise today. i'm not giving up. But what i am giving up on is the need to be perfect AND defining who i am by the numbers on a scale.

i want to be someone who cares more about things like people in haiti not having any homes, and being kind to other humans than i do about how my body looks. Speaking of Haiti, a great blogger named Fab did a wonderful post on Haiti, her home for 16 years, you can read it here

i would also love to hear your thoughts/feelings on this weight issue

thanks for reading,


  1. oh, I know this feeling too well, especially in the winter time. It's easy to be hard on ourselves, after all we're our own biggest critic, but what helps me is to remember that losing weight is ALWAYS tons easier in the spring, when we can actually get moving much more than we do in the winter. For me, the top button of my pants is my enemy these days! My solution for now is comfort only. It will get better! Hang in there. :)

  2. YOU aren't EVEN fat. i know because i have sent you clothes. i didn't send you fat girl clothes either. also...i don't like pants much either and i spend the winter with long johns under my skirts, or thick tights and wool skirt.

    you're husband said a real good thing when he said this isn't how you determine your worth.
    brilliantly put. count up your blessings and if you feel you should be healthier that's one thing, but beating yourself up over a number on the scale is defeatest and you'll never really be happy with the number you see, you'll always want it lower.

  3. i meant "your husband". oops. duh.

  4. Thanks so much ladies! its good to hear your encouragement!

  5. Personally, I think you look great and don't need to lose a pound, but eating healthier never hurts, so long as you're doing it for health and not to get to a certain number on the scale or what-not. As for other bloggers, your grandmother was a smart lady. I do the comparison thing too, but it is a bad habit. It gets you nowhere.

    Take care of yourself. :)

  6. you are beautiful. and hardly fat. yet I know what's it's like to not feel comfortable when things don't fit like you want them to, or how they used to. we all have these moments. and it's okay to have them. it's normal and could be brought on for a number of reasons. it's people like your friends and partners that help ypu gain persepective and get back in the saddle.

    also, I've been wearing dresses year round for ever. kinda really hate pants (jeans excluded)...only have one pair actually. I say double up on the tights (wolford makes some great merino wool ones), keep as healthy as you can (knowing it's okay to cheat every now and again) and keep being you!

  7. You're gorgeous inside & out Maria! Not sure if it is still the same in Haiti but if I remember correctly larger women was considered healthier and the thin ones better put some weight on to measure up!

    Thanks for sharing My Haiti Cherie story with your friends on your blog! you're the sweetest!

    Lots of love always

  8. You are the sweetest. I loved this honest post. Thanks for the words.

  9. Maria, you are so incredibly beautiful! I know exactly what you are going through. I've spent my entire life as a bigger girl (I'm not saying you are by any means "big") and it's difficult to deal with sometimes. Over the past year and a half I started working out and trying to eat better. I've lost some weight, but it's an ongoing battle.

    But one thing that I've noticed is that the whole process takes time and it shouldn't be based on numbers. Instead it should be based on accomplishments. For instance, I am still not a size 4 or 6, but I did run a half marathon in September (something I never could have done before).

    I appreciate a post like this because there are a zillion women who feel the same way. Just keep working at whatever you want to achieve and it will pay off in the end.

    And your husband is right. You are not defined by you weight or appearance. You're wonderful. Period.