The Ones That (can't) Get Away

lots of customers ask me, "if this is what you're selling, what are you keeping?" So i wanted to start a new blog series featuring the ones i keep. They are the pieces that i just can't seem to list no matter how hard i try. It will be fun for me to see if there is any cohesion to the pieces that i fall in love with and it will give you a little peek into my studio.

The first one i shall reveal is this 1930's dressing gown...

i adore its dreamy peach color. its scalloped ruffle details, the print, the delicate gathers. it just makes me weak in the knees.

have an awesome weekend.
thanks for reading,

m

happy asher

Asher is 3 months old today. he smiles so often now and even has started chuckling a bit (the best sound). he loves being outside, sucking on his hand and grasping for toys. he loves chatting with his papa and being sung to. sometimes his quiet coos are so earnest that they make me feel like he is saying he loves me back.
I feel thankful to be his mama every day.

The other night i came to bed after steve was already asleep. it was a cool spring night and through our open window i could hear the rain falling. asher was asleep in the pack and play beside the bed. i looked at him and thought, "i'd love to snuggle him right now, but i shouldn't pick up a sleeping baby" and then i thought about my dad's advice about parenting, which is "luxuriate in it." enjoy every moment. and i thought, "what the heck, i can do what i want!" so i scooped up that little bean into my arms and tucked myself in right beside steve, with asher on my chest. both my boys sound asleep and the perfect cool breeze from outside. thankful and happy, i just luxuriated in my family. it was one of those precious moments in life when it feels as though all is right.

don't get me wrong. there are also moments when steve and i are yelling at each other, and i have spit up dried to my shirt, and asher won't sleep. and something is burning in the oven.

after what we've been through on our adoption journey, i try so hard not to take being a mom for granted. it is a special gift.
i've been trying to work on my shop here and there at nap times, but obviously have been failing at blogging. i hope to get back to it, but i had to pop in and tell you all that my little son is 3 months old.
these are some of my favorite pictures from the past 2 months.

much love to you all and thanks for reading,

m

She Wore it in a Castle

I received the most wonderful note the other day from this lovely customer, complete with this picture of her with one of her dear friends at Eastnor Castle for a friend's wedding.

Doesn't she just look stunning? so sophisticated; She looks like royalty herself!

Here is the dress all sad on this lifeless dress form :)

Eastnor Castle 

little girl in vintage

I used to be Ryla's nanny when she was teeny tiny and we became the best of friends. She would model for me when she was just a tot (above). Her family moved to Minneapolis last year but came back this weekend for a visit, yay!
Now she is four and loves all things girly, so it was easy to get her in to this 1950's birthday dress for a fun little photos shoot. Ryla, i love you so much. you are beautiful inside and out.

i love the one where she is jumping :)
happy monday!

maria

The story of Asher

oh my, its been a whirlwind since i last wrote. I can hardly believe what i am about to tell you. i am still processing it. 

saying goodbye to Emerson left us unimaginably broken-hearted, but day by day small healing began with God's help. Steve and i reacted so differently to losing Emerson. Steve was immediately ready to be a parent again, because he realized how much he loved being a dad. at first, i felt as though i would never love again. but slowly i began to realize that i did really want to be a mom again, and soon. 

On Thursday march 8th, after many good but difficult talks, Steve and I felt peace about the decision to put our names back in the pool at the adoption agency that we are working with. Though we were still in pain, we felt we were also the same people who wanted to adopt, and are so ready to love a child. 

Exactly two weeks after we joined the pool, on thursday march 22nd, i received a phone call from our social worker. when i saw her name pop up on my phone, i quickly ignored the call. i just KNEW that she had a little baby for me, and i was terrified (sorry tracy:). she texted me, and said "call me, maria" I called her back and she said,  "maria, there is a little baby boy in florida who is 2 weeks old, BOTH his parents have signed consent and we wanted to know if you are interested. my hands are shaking." my mind blew up a little bit. 

It is extremely rare that both parents consent, and this is exactly what we had been praying for. 

i called steve, who immediately said, "I'm in!" 

i couldn't believe how soon after Emerson this opportunity came and i wasn't quite sure i was ready, but i felt we could at least be ONE of the many profiles that the birth mom looked at and if God felt we weren't ready for the little guy then he would help the birth mom decide "no."

the next monday we learned that the birthmom wanted to speak with us on the phone. we had an incredible talk with her that night in which she told us she wanted us to adopt her boy. 

The next day, Tuesday, we hurriedly packed, did a bunch of paperwork, and drove the 19 hours to florida! (straight through, with the special adrenaline only felt by parents trying to get to meet their child for the first time :)

On wednesday at about 3 pm, we signed some paperwork with a lawyer and were granted custody.  Then, we got to meet our son. he is beautiful (as you can see).  His birthmom wanted to be there to give him to us, so we got to meet her and get to know her a little bit.  

His birth mom had named him michael, which we changed to the middle name. His full name is Asher Michael Huxley Casteel. Asher means "happiness, blessed and fortunate" which could not more perfectly describe  how we feel to get to be parents to this little boy. 

We will never forget little emerson and his place in our heart cannot be taken, but he was not able to be ours. And thankfully God made our hearts to hold love for so many people at a time :) We are so happy to be bonding with Asher and knowing that he will be in our family forever. he is beyond precious.

life with Asher is wonderful. we are thankful every single second for this little miracle. he is SUCH a happy boy. full of smiles at such a young age. 

images by jeremy parsons of we are the parsons

(don't judge my ugly outfit and hair, these were taken right when we brought asher home and i had been riding in the car for a VERY long time :)

a few incredible facts: 

--at first we toyed with the idea of waiting one month before getting back on the list at the agency, it seemed like a logical amount of time. but had we done that, we would not have gotten asher. 

--in my family "5ths" are really special. my parents anniversary is february 5th, my birthday is april 5th, my dad's birthday is may 5th. apparently my mom told my sister about ten years ago, "maria needs to have a baby on march 5th to complete our 5ths". March 5th is asher's birthday. 

--we had emerson with us at the ash wednesday service, i sat there feeling as if i was giving up my SON for lent. Asher was there with us on Easter. what redemption! ( i don't mean that to sound as if asher is a replacement (for you cannot replace one human with another), but rather a great gift, after great loss)

--we had to stay in florida for awhile for interstate paperwork to clear. this caused us to arrive home on my birthday. i finally brought my son home, for good. the best birthday present ever.

--asher's birth mom chose a family in kansas city because she had already placed a son into an adoptive family in Kansas city. we  already know the mom of Asher's biological half brother. they will grow up being friends and knowing they are brothers. 

thank you for ALL of your kind comments. i can't tell you what they mean. 

i can't wait to share Asher's life with you...mixed in with a bunch of vintage of course. 


oh, and this is more the factual account of asher, i want to share the emotional journey more later :). you know me. 

love, 

m

broken hearted.

i've started to write this post about 20 times. and erased it. and started again.
there is no pretty way to say that we lost our son...

Emerson Grey Casteel was born on february 9th, 2012.
because his incredible birth mom allowed us to be present for the birth; I watched him enter the world and take his first breath and cry his first beautiful cry.
for a few hours they would not let me hold or disturb him because he had some fluid on his lungs. i could only hold his tiny hand.
when they finally lay him on my bare chest, i wept with joy i had not known. Steve and i spent the next few days in the hospital falling in love with our beautiful son. holding him skin to skin, which is so good for all babies, but especially good for adopted babies who need to bond with their new parents.

i had induced lactation, so i even got to breast-feed my son, which was so intimate and wonderful. He was a champ at nursing and it was his favorite activity.
After a few days, we found out that Emerson's birth father was interested in raising him. after 2.5 weeks of life with him, we found out that Emerson would not be coming home with us after all.
 (we spent the 2.5 weeks in foster care because in our county you cannot take your baby home until after court proceedings).

its good right, a biological dad wanting to raise his child? of course it is. i don't want to speak poorly of Emerson's birth dad. He was fighting for his son, just like we were fighting for ours.
what's hard, is falling in love with your son, believing with everything within you that he is your son, and then having to say goodbye to him...
its INCREDIBLE how much steve and i loved that boy (still love him) after only 2 weeks with him, in fact after only 2 hours with him, we would have both jumped in front of a bus to save him.

and so, our first adoption...failed. that's what they call it. steve and i have come to hate the words "failed adoption." they sound like we did something wrong. i hope we didn't.

many of you found out through emails and instagrams and twitter, about emerson, and also that i believe in God. though He didn't answer my prayers the way i wanted him to this time, i still believe that he is good. and that he loves me. That he is holding emerson in the palm of his hands. I haven't known how to "out" myself as a god believer-in-er on this blog. it bothers me when people are all Churchy McChurcherson on some blogs, but are not genuine. i don't want to shove stuff in your face, but i also want to be who i really am, someone who loves Jesus.

This grief feels at least TEN times worse than the loss of my father. the loss of a child is just...nearly unbearable. i didn't realize that one person could cry so much. everything in our house reminds us of emerson...the vitamins on my counter to help me produce milk, the couch where i watched "Downton Abbey" and pumped every 3 hours for 2 months. Even our dumb car we bought so we could get him around safely. His room feels like a graveyard of forgotten dreams, i can hardly ever muster the courage to go in there. all the things i thought i had made and prepared for emerson...that he will never see.
  Its hard to know what to even do with myself. because so much of my life was preparing for this little bean. The days are long without emerson on my chest, every moment i wish he was near.

i don't tell you this to receive pity. i just know that many of you knew he was supposed to be born in february and here i was silent. for a month. i thought i should explain.

our friends both near and far have been incredible to us this past month. praying, sending notes, bringing meals and visiting. all of Emerson's grandparents came to meet him, from illinois. and my brother and sister came as well. Everyone LOVED him. you would have loved him too. he was literally the best.

emerson's birth parents have been kind, they've said we can visit him and be a part of his life. i don't know exactly what this will look like, but we do know we'd like to do it. somehow.

steve and i are still as close, no closer than ever. we LOVED being parents together. steve realized how much he loved being dad to a newborn. we will start again, soon. well, maybe not soon, but someday...

the bible says that God is near to the broken hearted. that he works for the good in our lives. and loves us more than we know or could even imagine.  As i cry, and life seems unbearable, i hold on to those things, because i have known them to be true...even when they don't feel true.

well, that's my heart out there for all to see; broken and confused as it is, but trying to hope.
thanks for reading,
m

these pictures were taken by an amazing woman named erica short

Carolyn Schnurer

I quite like learning about vintage labels and designers, though I am so tactile that it sometimes takes an item of clothing in my very hands to pique my interest. I recently acquired a "Carolyn Schnurer" dress and through my research have found her to be an incredible woman. It seems that if she were a "project runway" contestant (i mean, the height of american fashion today, right? :) kidding), she would win for things like; using gorgeous unique textiles, being able to translate a place of inspiration into design, and using many aspects of other styles without being too referential. 

 Here is a collection of photos of her creations as well as more information about her life and contributions to fashion. Also, there are so many more great dresses (and advertisements) that i couldn't include, so you should definitely google image search her.

 The first dress, which fueled my interest, is in the shop, here :) Many of her items have been featured in the Metropolitan Museum of Modern art. They are true pieces of history and works of art. 

yes, the divine Lauren Bacall in a playsuit by Schnurer (source)

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Dress 1951, source 

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from the metropolitan museum of art website 

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1950s swimsuit, sold by Deargolden Vintage

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Carolyn Schnurer was born Carolyn Goldsand in New York City on January 5th, 1908. She began as a music and art teacher, but found her true fulfillment in fashion, which she studied at the Traphagen School of Design in New York from 1939-40. In 1940, she began working with her husband, at his bathing suit company, Burt Schnurer, Inc.

 In a time when european fashion was greatly missed, due to the war, Carolyn brought creativity and originality to the fashion scene. Because of her ability to adapt, she became  well known for her casual clothing. so much so that the company changed its name to Carolyn Schnurer, Inc. in 1946.

Between the american world wars, becoming free from the european dictates was a theme in fashion. Because of this, fabric and garment designers were encouraged to do original research in museum collections. Schnurer was glad to explore other countries and base her collections on her inspirations. She would then study museum objects that were relevant to those inspirations at places such as the Brooklyn Museum and the Metropolitan museum of art in NY. 

Her first survey trip was to the Andes mountains, which inspired her Serrano Collection containing her first enormous Success: the Cholo coat. Her other travels included visits to Brittany and Normandy, Ireland, Portugal, Greece, India, Japan, South Africa, Turkey, and Norway. These trips were sponsored by stores such as Peck and Peck and other fabric companies. American Fabrics Magazine, founded in 1946 was one of her greatest promoters. They adored her originality. She became genius at incoporating ethnic elements into american design, without being too literal. for instance,  she would feature a kimono sleeve, padded hem or wide, obi-like sashes on conventional full skirted dresses, pagoda-shaped shoulder and hem details on a bathing suit, beach coat, and shorts, and necklines which left the nape bare in virtually every outfit. She was able to translate the  unique textures that she saw in her travels (like Japanese ink paintings, African wood carvings, or even Islamic architecture) into american clothing that was easy for women to wear in their everyday life. 

After her divorce in the 1950s, she decided to stop working so directly in fashion and consulted for a textile firm. 

     Though her career in fashion was fairly short, her legacy was great. She opened peoples minds to styles and textiles from across the globe and also provided beautiful casual wear that enhanced the leasure times of women. She also gave credibility to american design at a time when it was much needed.

source: www.fashionencyclopedia.com

thanks so much for reading, 

m